BeanHeadChronicles

My Life blog ‘The Beanhead Chronicles’ 30.10.15

On the 8th May 2014 I made the following ‘Bucket List’;

My Bucket List 8th May 2014

-Complete my 3 year degree at University starting October 2014

-Visit the following: Dubai, Hollywood, Atlanta and Disney world in Florida.

-Go on a holiday with my parents who are getting older.

-See my children rise to great things and go on to be who they were destined to be in the best way possible 😘

-Work for myself, start the online Nappy Cake business and freelance youth counsellor/therapist

-Early retirement by 55 or 60 at the latest!

30.10.15

‘I will do it MY WAY!’…

I emailed this Bucket list jointly to my sons. One replied ‘speak it into existence mum!’. We had a bit of a laugh and the other replied,‘I hope you don’t pop your clogs anytime soon’ 😂😂. You see, my boys are my life! We have discussions, we have fun and we laugh together and at each other, my boys are my life, my world, they wouldn’t know just how much. Since Monday 26th October 2015 at midday, my life has changed, I don’t know what the days and weeks ahead hold for me but I love my boys. I have 1% fear for myself and the rest for my boys, my family, my beloved cousins and my good friends- my 99%ers, I cannot leave them now, I will not leave them now – they are my life! Since Monday 26th October 2015 at midday I have lived in ‘fear’, but no more. I awaken each day thinking its a beautiful day and then within 10 seconds the devil’s revolver spins, points itself at me like a nasty game of Russian Roulette and my day is dark again. No more – I love my life! Today, Friday 30th October 2015, I have made a pact with myself to LIVE ‘OUT of fear’ as I love my 99%ers with all my heart. Today ‘Mr or Ms Fear’ I OWN MY LIFE, God owns my life, MY parents own my life, NOT YOU! ‘Ta Ta’ as my very funny mum and sister always joke around and say to be cheeky! 😂👍🏽 You will learn much more about the funny characters in my life as I continue to write my blog. Ironically what is playing on ITVs ‘Lorraine’ this morning? A modern day singing group version of Frankie boy’s ‘I did it my way!’ This blog was meant to be birthed today – welcome👍🏽😊🙏🏾

31.10.15

‘Happy Halloween Mr or Ms Fear’

Mr or Ms Fear, please go away! Why do you insist on making my stomach perform cartwheels as soon as my eyes open?? It is 8am on a Saturday morning, I have my life ahead of me, Im alive, many are not. Go and play with the traffic! You really know how to get to a girl don’t you! Well as I told you yesterday and as I’ll keep on reminding you, there is no room in my life for you!! Do one!!!! This is my life and I own it, God owns it and so do my parents – not you Mr or Ms Fear. You don’t like it do you? Yes I cancelled the community appointment which was due last Thursday as I do NOT wish to hear about YOU twice! Once is enough thanks, I can wait until next Thursday. Now that I’ve found a way to work through the fear you want or expect me to break? Well  guess what? Its NOT going to happen, so take your sorry lame arse up and start playing with the traffic on the M25! If you start out now you should miss the early morning traffic en route to London Gatwick! 😂 ‘Ta ta!’ 😂👍🏽🙏🏾 ps: don’t forget to stay off the Hard Shoulder, you may get a ticket! ‘Ta ta!’ 😂😂😂😂

01.11.15

‘Pinch Punch, the 1st day of the month!’

A good old fashioned saying we grew up stating every first day of the month. As kids we would literally pinch the shit out of each other, I mean wring your skin pinch! 😂 how cruel we were to each other! Mr or Ms Fear, you’re one stubborn son or daughter of a bitch that can’t take no for an answer. Come over towards me let me wring the shit outta you, step closer, don’t be afraid, I promise I won’t hurt you!! 😂 As my dad quoted in his childhood to a teacher who was going to beat him, ‘if you make another move I’ll punch you down!“ 😂😂👍🏽 Aghh that’s my dad! Not a violent man at all but he does not tolerate nonsense! So Mr or Ms Fear, ‘if you make another move I’ll pinch and punch the 1st shit outta ya!’ 😂 your choice! 😂🙏🏾

02.11.15 

’You have been evicted from the Big Brother’s House’

As the first line in Janet Jackson’s song goes, ‘so why you wanna go and do that uh uh uh? So why you wanna go and do that!’

Yes Mr or Ms Fear, I’m referring to you! My first day back at work and you just had to nip in to try and spoil things. Not today you moron, not today! My stomach is trying to flip, Thursday draws near, you’re trying to raise my fear but fear of what exactly? You’re no mind reader and neither am I, so you don’t belong in my thoughts, not in anyone’s thoughts! Get out! You don’t pay to rent space in my head 😂

‘You are evicted from the Big Brother’s House!!’ 😂 ‘Pack ya grip and disappear you useless waste of space! Ta ta’ 😂👊🏽👋🏾

03.11.15 

‘I hate you so much right now!’ Sung by Kelis. 

Never thought I would ever utter these negative words but here I am!!!

You made a sneaky plan for me, you hit my tummy right where it hurt with another white hospital letter on my doormat last night! Yes I feared to open it but eventually I did. This morning I escaped you but you were not satisfied! Nope, you decided to make me both anxious and nervy during the day! What’s happened Mr or Ms Fear, is playing on the M25 not busy enough for you?? Try the M1, you may just get the ‘high’ you are looking for! 😂

You are one dumb arse fool! I will continue to battle with you until you are defeated! Positivity reigns every time!!

In the words of the late great Sir Bob Marley, ’don’t worry, about a thing, cos every little thing, is gonna be alright!’ 👑👌🏽👏🏽👊🏽🙏🏾

04.11.15 

‘I know why the caged bird sings’, a twofold story from the late great Dr Maya Angelou and sung by the fabulous Alicia Keys. 

You see Mr or Ms Fear, when I woke up this morning you paid me a visit within 5 minutes but I rejected you. You tried to visit me during the day but once again, I rejected you by listening to joyful music as I went about my daily activities. The caged bird will always sing to find joy, Im not looking for you and neither do I find you in the remotest attractive!

Get stuffed you are surplus to requirements! I know tomorrow is a big day for me and you’ll do your utmost to scare me! There is power in prayer but not in fear – go straight to hell via the highway and vacate there forever!! 😂😂👊🏽🙏🏾

05.11.15 

‘Do you remember the 5th of November?’ 

Up in smoke you went within 1 minute of speaking to the Specialist! Up you went! 😂😂👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

You see Mr or Ms Fear, I was taken through my head on my CT scan, having everything explained to me. You see in this hour, I did not walk in fear but in knowledge. My ‘Bean Head’ is now a bit of a plum but I always knew this (punt intended) 😂😂😂

My cheeky mare sister after hearing about the waterfall of CSFluid at the rear of my throat from me ‘ead, says Im a bleeding cannibal, eating myself!!!! Holy cow that girl is a few pennies short of a £ 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 only my sister would make such a remark or make me laugh like she did at my new remarkable ‘self eating cannibalism’ 😂😂😱😂😂💀😭😭😭😂 My good mate asked how comes the ‘plum’ hasn’t made me ‘stupid’ PMSL!!!!!! Oh my days that was also funny as I know both meant absolutely no harm. They made me belly laugh for the first time in a week. I won’t find things funny every day but going forward I know my 99%ers have my back 100% You see Mr or Ms Fear, my parents raised strong characters, you are in for the ‘ride of Your life’ 😂😂😂😂😂👏🏽👍🏽

06.11.15 

‘Its over and done’ in the words of the sultry singers of ‘Emotions’. 

This morning my stomach is doing leap frogs again! I feel physically sick with worry! I can’t control you this morning you bloody bitch-bastard! 😡 Go and play on the Gatwick runway, preferably in front of the runway housing the biggest Jumbo or Airbus you bloody nuisance!!!

On a funny note my sister has just helped me name myself ‘Cannibal Lexca!’ 😂😂😂😂 I told you that one was off the chain! 😂😂😂 Do one!!! Im now going over to a specialist hospital so why, Mr or Ms Fear do you insist on terrorising me!?!?

You hate my daily prayers, thats what it is, but then you always have…🙏🏾😬 😡

07.11.15 

‘No Scrubs’ – ‘sitting in the passenger side of my best friend’s ride, tryin’ to holla at me!’ 

Gosh you’re thick!!! 😂 why are still hanging on like a leach?

I woke up this morning and my tummy is spinning like a washing machine drum. You don’t even give me time or space to open my eyes properly! I know the MRI is on Tuesday to provide more answers for the next party but guess what, you are NOT invited! Don’t take insults for invitations- ‘ta ta scrub!’ 😂😂😂👊🏽

Ps: my little sister called me ‘Cannibal Lexca’ to my face!!! 😂😂😂 she is a real text book case one could quite easily use her as a case study in psychology! Freud would have loved my lil sister, he really missed out!! I chuckled but she didn’t see my 😬 ready to munch on her ear when she turned her back loooooool 😂😂😂😂😂🙉yep hide your ears, Im hungry… 🙉🙉🙉🙉

08.11.15

‘Remembrance Day’

Today is much is much more important than you Mr or Ms Fear! Today is a day of celebration for the lives of people who sacrificed their lives for the people of their future. Today we remember and thank them.

Today you choose to nip in just as I woke up with absolutely no thoughts of you. Today you could be facing a good old fashioned stand off! Your intentions are very destructive, you have nothing to offer. You are a waste of one’s thoughts for you only produce ‘hot air!’

I think I have found a new playground for you, have you ever thought of chasing the ‘Tram Track’ trains in the US? Loooool!!

Disappear and make way for the thoughts of those who are worthy!

image

09.11.15

‘Knowing me, knowing you’, by the fabulous ABBA

it is  6am and you are churning my stomach!!! You are a tiring sod!

Yesterday I occupied my mind and my time, I was so busy at home that I had little time to think about your ‘behind!’ My good friend kept me company on the phone whilst I worked at home for over 2 hours. You couldn’t get in there to make me sweat, as positivity was kissing the air! We didn’t speak about you, in fact you were completely ignored! He has been so good to me, mentally he takes me away into a silly, funny emotionless place I’ll refer to as ‘La La Land’ as my wacky lil sister calls her clock alarm! Yes, it’s official, she is well, let’s put it this way, a LOT of ‘Jacob Creamed Crackers’ very short of the packet! LOOOOL, she will absolutely beat me up mentally when  she ‘reads all about it’ (as the newspaper sellers used to shout at potential customers as they passed by in the street). I’m cracking up as I write when I imagine her doing her ‘nut’ – ‘why did you write about me like I am some sort of deranged little sister??? Eh eh eh? TELL ME!!’ She will yell my first and surname at the end of the question. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL I write with laughter, as I will not answer her. You see, if you answer her, you will fall foul to her ‘interrogation spider’s web’ where she will spin your head and wrap your arse so tight in confusion that you then wish you had not started the drama loooooool, oh my lil sister!

This morning you want to make me physically sick Mr or Ms Fear, that’s why you creep up like a thief in the night waiting for me to open my eyes.

I pray you away! You are a ‘space in the head thief” LOL!

As was said to Joseph and Mary, ‘there is no room at the inn’.

10.11.15

‘Time is the Master and time will be a disaster if you don’t care’ by the late great Sir John Holt

Mr or Ms Fear I had a very refreshed sleep last night. You my dear, I refused to let penetrate my thoughts and went to bed! No thoughts of you, just complete rejection and a positive attitude.

However, at 5am you decide you have had enough of being ignored and you woke me up to terrorise me once again. Why are you doing this? Why? Yes I am having my MRI today to see more detail but why have you decided that you owe me a visit?! It’s another test, not a consultation – get lost! You are making me fear, I hate you, I really do!  Deep down I know all will be well but you insist on being the bitch-bastard that you are! You see you are a lonely tosser who has no place in most people’s lives. Ahh what a shame! LOL You are a bully who tries to make people constantly own fear. Well no more. I pray you away now and forever more! You hate when you hear ‘My G’ liven me up each day. Tough! ‘My G’ is my mum and she can do what the hell she likes!!! She will keep on doing that until the end of time – POSITIVITY not FEAR! My wacky lil sister will see me today. That one is defo ‘a few sandwiches short of a picnic!!!’ I am cracking up as I write, as I know when this is all over, she will curse the pants out of me for depicting her as the wacky person. This is so funny to write. For once I can get away with it – ha ha!!!!

If I have ever said or thought I may understand how or what someone who is being investigated for a mass/tumour may feel or experience, I was WRONG! I had NOOOOOOOOO real clue! I had no idea of the constant, daily turmoil their every thought or feeling absorbed – NO IDEA! Your tummy churns, your head spins but worst of all you feel like you are in an ‘out of body experience’. I feel as if I am in a glass christmas bauble looking out at the world. The world cannot get in, they can see me, they can hear me but they cannot penetrate this glass christmas bauble. Only i alone sit in this lonely space. You see Mr or Ms Fear, when I sit in this bauble, I have no fear, I just feel incredibly lonely. Nobody else can share this space for it is a journey I must travel alone. I will always have my 99%ers by my side but alone I sit in this bauble looking out, listening and watching the world go by.

PS: You may have already guessed by my daily titles that I love music! Music is a very BIG part of my life that brings happiness and calming into my life 🙂

11.11.15 Armistice Day 🎖👥 

12.11.15 

‘Cos ya gotta use somebody’ the sultry sounds of my favourite instrument, the saxaphone by Paul Taylor. 

Ha ha! Ha bloody ha!

Today I got MY own way Mr or Ms Fear! Today I laughed, I smiled, I smiled. Today one of the ‘loves of my life’, my son, surprised me with the most beautiful flower arrangement at work. Ha ha! You bitch-bastard you thought you were winning! 😂😂😂

Today I am lifted, today I have no fear.

Today there is nobody to use Mr or Ms Fear.

Today, you can ‘do one!

Jog on!’ Disappear…. 👍🏽👏🏽👊🏽

13.11.15 

‘Telling me this and telling me that, practice what you preach’ by the late great Barry White! 

Coooooo-eeeeee! I’m winning! Lol!

Most of my days are now filled with nothing about you Mr or Mrs Fear! Why spend time on a ‘waste man or woman?’ 😂😂😂

I intend to enjoy my weekend without you! Now sod off! Ta ta! 👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾😂

14.11.15 

‘When the going gets tough, the tough gets going’ by Billie Ocean. 

You make me feel physically sick!! 🤑

I have been preoccupied all week at work with colleagues who are so funny. They kept me going, kept me laughing and getting on with our daily activities. I just adore them 😍 It’s so good when you have a positive rapport with your colleagues.

This morning you bitch-bastard, you decide to invade my head space on my day off! My stomach is churning like a washing machine on a 1600rpm spin! I really detest your very existence Mr or Ms Fear! I have plans this weekend, plans which were made long before your sorry arse came along. Before now, I was not a person to walk in fear, nope, not me! I would deem myself as a strong individual who would always encourage others to walk in faith. I never told anyone to accept fear as I know what your sorry arse did with me a few years back. I fought back and succeeded, you dislike me for that Mr or Ms Fear. I didn’t go down in fear, I rose through the ashes like a phoenix surpassing my own limitations and I WILL do it again! For no-one can tell you not to be scared, thats an impossible non-transferrable statement when you dissect what is actually being said. I get that now, I didn’t realise until now.

Oh go and play dodge with the trains!, I’m truly bored of your stupid bitch-bastard arse! 😠😡

15.11.15 

My head HURTS!!! 😡😡😡😡

The freedom to say what i like on here is refreshing, nobody has to listen, comment or ignore!

Today I learned that my ‘ta ta Ma’ has ‘friends in high places!!’ LLLOOOLLL she’s funny as hell my mum!

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

16.11.15

‘As long as there is love, that’s alright with me’, by Andreya Triana

No fear today Mr or Ms fear! ha ha! You bitch-bastard!

Love was the order of my day in every sense…

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

17.11.15 

‘PYT’ 

You BITCH-BASTARD! 😡😡😡

18.11.15 

‘You are the sunshine of my life’ 

I don’t walk in fear, never have done, never will. 🙂

19.11.15

‘You sexy thing’, the late Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.

Not so sexy in jim jams and a head scarf- flu go away!!!

The good thing is Mr or Ms Fear, there’s no time to think about your bitch-bastard arse whilst I’m  beating off flu! 😂

20.11.15

‘Whoops up side ya head, I said whoops up side ya head’

This flu thing is draining but at least there is no room in my thoughts for Mr or Ms Fear! For whatever reason I am clear of worrying 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

21.11.15

‘Hello’ covered by Joe and originally sung by Adele.

Mr or Ms Fear you don’t exist! As my son said but in reverse – speak you OUT of existence!

The flu is gradually shifting and you are no where to be seen or heard.

Good! 👊🏽

22.11.15

‘Let it Go’ by James Bay

What is fear? Ha! I don’t feel or see it!

Trying to shake off this lergy but YOU my dear have been tucked away! To back of beyond where you belong!

You brute!! 😂😂😂

🎤’Let it gooooo, let it beeeeee, why don’t You be youuuu and I’ll be me’

Do ya get it?! Thick as two planks you are!

👍🏽

23.11.15

‘Happy people, yeah, yeah yeah’ by R Kelly

This darn flu thing is irritating!

Mr or Ms Fear is nowhere to be found! Missing in action-AWOL.

This evening I receive news which is positive but that which leads to more questions for another. 🙏🏾 Mr or Ms Fear you certainly know how to miss with people’s emotions! 🙏🏾

Within minutes I am filling with dread, suddenly I feel all alone, I know ‘misery loves company’ and I’d never wish for anyone to join this party, but I feel so alone and afraid.

On a more positive note, the news is good, very good. Please God find them some answers soon. 👍🏽😘💞

In the meantime I wait to hear from my MDT about my bitch-bastard…

24.11.15

‘Surprise, it’s your birthday’ by R Kelly.

A day of joy, its my dad’s biirrttthday! 🎉👍🏽💞 He doesn’t wish to celebrate as he thinks he is too old 😂 Errrrr no dad, you’re not!! There’s no telling my dad that one. You don’t mess with the ‘if you make another move’ man!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂Happy birthday dad! Love ya! 🎉💞

I awaken with Mr or Ms Fear in my belly. My stomach churns, I am wide awake with a foggy fluey head. All manner of thoughts pass through my mind but I must try hard to keep the bitch-bastard contained! If we don’t contain our fears it can wreak havoc on our wellbeing. Easier said than done!!!! However I have to try.

The loneliness in my thoughts, the unknown and the anxiety is all starting to rise again,

Please God, let there be closure to this inhumane torment. 🙏🏾

25.11.15

‘Get onnn, get on up’ the famous James Brown!

Oh my goodness can anxiety do all these wicked things to you??? I feel sick as a dog today!

World, just leave me alone today!

🤒

26.11.15

‘On My Own’ by Roberta Flack

I have never felt so ‘alone’ in my entire life, never 😭

I am not seeking sympathy, nor pity or empathy, just the comfort of knowing I am not mentally and emotionally walking down this horrific, frightening and cruel road on my own. Being fair, only I can make this journey physically but mentally and emotionally I can’t see the sharing of this journey nor can I feel my emotions being tended to – I am all alone.No this is not Mr or Ms Fear speaking- I have just arrived at the realisation of my signature statement to young people ‘you did not arrive on a joint CV, you are on your own.’ Now I feel the pain of truly being alone, now Mr or Ms Fear aka bitch-bastard gets to raise their tired arse every now and then to scare the crap out of me. How can I know so many people, love so many people, help and support so many people yet I still feel all alone on this journey? 😕

I feel let down by some but that’s ok, it’s not about fighting right now, for the battle I NEED to slap positivity all over what is waiting ahead of me- just me…

😔

27.11.15

‘Keep your head high to the sky’ by gospel group, Sounds of Blackness

Still unwell, not feeling very sociable. This feeling Mr or Ms Fear aka bitch-bastard is surreal! I keep drifting off in thought finding it extremely hard to comprehend what has happened inside my head. Why? How? How comes I cannot see it? Why has it taken so long for all of the signs and symptoms to finally be acknowledged? When did you start to grow? Why have you grown to 40mm in height! Why? Why? Why?

Mr or Ms Fear I will not succumb to your tired arse! I will remain positive and walk in faith. This is just another one of life’s trials, my trial. I have come through many before so get ready for a beating! 👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽

The things you think about changes, you explore every conversation, response or non-response, action or non-action more than ever before. Bitch-bastard you are benign but you throw risk in front of my path. I’m not a gambling person (apart from the Grand National) but I will defeat you! You have no business in my head or in anyone’s head for that matter!

Today is a new day, oh yes it’s ‘Black Friday’ or more like ‘Blag Friday’ 😂😂😂😂

Peace 😊

28.11.15

‘Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, you on my mind’.

Tears flow, they flow, they flow…

Let this be over and sorted out soon.

Thank you 🙏🏾

 

29.11.15

‘Say That’ by Leela James fea Anthony Hamilton.

Non descript day except for extremely high winds! Wow! 💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨💨

As the day is coming to a close I can feel the bitch-bastard trying to stir up fear. I have no need to fear tomorrow, I am in God’s and the medical experts hands.

Isn’t it ‘Pinch Punch’ day yet so I can pinch the crap outta you Mr or Ms Fear?!? 😂😂😂😂

Just you wait until the 1st December, I will get my own back on you! 👊🏽👏🏽😂

🙏🏾

30.11.15

‘You are the sunshine of my life’

Thank you for the answers today.

🙏🏾🙂

01.12.15

‘Magic Man’

I had some answers yesterday but today I feel as if I am in a bubble. It feels like there is water all around me and nobody can see or hear me very well. This is that moment where I feel alone once again. Not because anyone has created this feeling, its an inner feeling that I can’t seem to shake away. I feel ‘absent’ from the present moment.

Am I dreaming?

🙄

02.12.15

‘Puff the magic dragon’

What a day! My stress levels were certainly tested and thats without medical intervention!! 😂😂😂

Forget all that, Mr or Mrs Fear has been very quiet and I’ve not missed you! Not one bit!

Anyway my head hurts all over! It feels like I’m wearing a vice! Get lost! Addios! Au Revoir! Do one, along with all the twats in this world 😂😂

03.12.15

‘Fallen’ a soundtrack in the film Pretty Woman’

Today is a daze, a total daze.

Mr or Ms Fear tried to climb on board every so often but I keep kicking the ladder away! 😂 Get your own vessel! Bitch-Bastard!

My head ‘aches’ not a headache but aches. Im tired and emotionally drained.

💤💤💤💤

04.12.15

‘Dancing in the moonlight’

Quiet day, really exhausted. As the days pass by and there’s no interaction with hospitals, Mr or Ms Fear is nowhere to be seen, heard or felt! GOOD!! 👍🏽👍🏽

Exhaustion is rife! It’s nearly Christmas so to hell with you! I haven’t got time for you! What are you, the freakin twin partner of the bitch-bastard??? A bleedin’ double act?!? 😱😂

Idiot!

05.12.15

‘Moon River’

Non eventful day. Rest and more rest.

No sign of Mr or Ms Fear!

GOOD!!

😂👏🏽🎉👍🏽

06.12.15

‘Run rabbit run rabbit’

Don’t ask me where these songs come from or why they come to mind- they just pop into my bean head after I have written the date! I’m happy with that- effortless!

Lovely day, again no sign of the bitch-bastard 😂😂👍🏽

Stay away, we are not companions!

😂👍🏽🎉👏🏽👋🏾👊🏽

07.12.15

‘I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse’

Tiring day.

Mr or Ms Fear there are no deals to be cut! Skiboo, do one! I’ve got my mind set on bigger things.

Christmas is commmiiinnng!

👍🏽🎉🎄☃🎁

08.12.15

‘Kung Fu Fighting’

I’m just glad that I’ve matured otherwise today would’ve been so very different. For today it’s not Mr or Ms Fear terrorising me but a fellow human being! This is where faith steps in and some HARD prayers! It really takes all sorts to understand and create the species of the human race. Why do people like to test my faith, why? What makes it worse is they are aware of what I’m going through but it’s all about them. Time is the master…

🙏🏾 Thank you helping me to maintain my calmness and know that everything will be alright 🙂

09.12.15

‘Tears on my pillow’

No tears, it’s just the song that came to mind.

The stabbing and squeezing pains in my head have been unreal today! For the first time in a while I had to sleep it off. No doubt, added stress does not help the situation but that’s life.

Mr or Ms Fear is nowhere to be seen or heard. Oh happy days!! 👏🏽👏🏽

🙂

10.12.15

‘Baby you  can light my fire’

Now I know what it is, I realise what the symptoms were of this ‘bean’. Wow! It’s really scary that we can brush suttle changes away as being normal, growing older or being tired or stressed when all the time it was probably neither or just a tad of each. Today I’ve experienced it all, the mist, the head pains and extreme fatigue that made me go to sleep again for 4 hours this evening. All of which I used to put down to hypothyroidism.

On a plus side, the experience was not riddled with fear, Mr or Ms Fear lays saddened and crumpled on the ground, in a pity-potty corner licking his or hers sorry-arsed wounds!!! 😂😂😂😂👏🏽

I’m  still revelling in this fact!

Oh, it’s nearly chhhhhrrrissstmmmaaaasss! My favourite time of the year 🎄☃🎁🎉🎄🎄🎄🎄🎁🎁🎁☃☃☃🎄🎄🎄

👍🏽👏🏽😂

11.12.15

‘Stand’ by Donnie McClurkin

This song was played tonight and was so apt. I’ve always loved this song but tonight it took on a meaning of it’s own.

Wow wow wow! Two soldiers stood  to my left and right and walked the journal with me. I’m so thankful for and to them. I cried and cried and they wiped my fears and tears away. Thank you 🙏🏾

Tomorrow is a new day.

👍🏽

12.12.15

‘Oh what a night’

Literally! I had a headache all day but at 4.30am it ramped up and kicked my backside out of bed!! Off to the freezer I ran as fast as my legs could take me, slam, slide,  wrap it up quick to place the ice on my forehead. This ice contraption stayed on my forehead until I woke up at 9am! My hand obviously didn’t slip once during my mish mash sleep. I thought my brains were going to splat all over the place!! 😬😬😬

If anyone thinks these are tension headaches or migraines, think again these headaches are like no other, I fear them more than my migraines and that takes some doing! They do NOT respond to any painkiller. Try visualising being clubbed continuously on the forehead whilst a vice is tightening up across the top of the head, the skin on my forehead begins to itch like crazy at the same time. If I hang my head down my head feels as if theres a 10lb weight pushing down between the back of my head and neck.

Please let this be over soon.

‘Bean’, you’ve been squatting in my head, uninvited and for an unknown length of time wreaking havoc on my body, it’s time you and I parted company very soon!

You have been evicted from the Big Brother House, off you go! 😂

👍🏽👍🏽🙏🏾

13.12.15

‘Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the boogie ‘. 

If only the ‘boogie’ was really to blame! I had a headache  all darn day!

Hopefully this vice twisting pain will disappear tomorrow. Mr or Mrs Fear is very much absent and for that I’m thankful 👍🏽

Oh my lil sister came out with a one liner today that can only be deemed as ‘she needs ‘elp mate!’ Lol! 😂😂

Christmas is drawing closer 👍🏽👏🏽🎄☃🎁🙏🏾

 

14.12.15

‘It maybe winter outside, but in my heart it’s spring’ 

The forehead, this bean looks swollen today, what to do? It went away by the middle of the day. I could barely see the depression of an eye socket it was almost parallel to the forehead. It’s funny how you noticed more once you are aware. I noticed before bur I was oblivious.

No headache but I felt extremely tired. I slept from 6pm until 11pm and I have to do it all over again tonight!!Lol. I don’t know why I am so exhausted but being fatigued almost causes fatigue if that makes sense?

‘This lil bean of mine I’m gonna make it shine!’🔌💡 🎼 😂 I just want it gone, gone, gone so I can get my mojo back.

On the plus side, Christmas is coooooommmmmiinnggg! Yeeeaaah! I threw out my Christmas trees but now I want anothet 😂😂🙏🏾🎄💞🎉☃👍🏽🍾🎈

 

15.12.15

‘Walking in the winter wonderland’

Non eventful apart from fatigue, headache and chest pain. That’s anxiety for you! Thankfully it’s not Mr or Mrs Fear! But it stems from an area where they should know and do better but alas, for some its always the ‘me me me show’ all day every day! I’m surprised they dont notice that they coexist with others! Whoops, really? We coexist and it’s not all about the ‘me me me’ show?? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂  What sad state of affairs!

You have to feel sorry for them!

🙂

16.12.15

‘My love is your love’

Fatigue and headache, rest and more rest! Fed up of rest!

Tomorrow is a new day 👍🏽

17.12.15

‘You make me wanna’

No Mr or Ms Fear! Thank you thank you thank you!

Waiting game…

🙂

18.12.15

‘If you don’t know me by now’

Fun, fun, fun – yeah baby that’s what I had today!

From the male shop assistant in Phase Eight teasing me by threatening to add 3 extra security tags to my clothing to my rendition of Whitney’s ‘Where do broken hearts go’ at midnight! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Ha ha ha Mr or Ms Fear!

👏🏽👍🏽💞🙏🏾🍾🎄🎉

19.12.15

‘You to me are everything the sweetest song that I could sing oh baby, oh baby’

Non eventful day.

Rest, rest and more rest!

👍🏽🙏🏾

20.12.15

‘Walking in a winter wonderland’

Wow what an evening!

I spent a wonderful evening with family at the gorgeous Winter Wonderland. This was organised just after I found out about this ‘beanhead’ 😂 At the time I was in a scary place, no answers, no reasons just devastation and pure fear. This wonderful evening arrived and my family really enjoyed themselves. I watched them have fun, I joined in too but it was interesting to see how I was able to step outside my body and observe happiness in others. I was happy but on the odd occasion I found myself thinking about the ‘bean’. It wasn’t Mr or Ms Fear lurking amongst the fairground rides and the luxurious lighting, it was centred around me wanting to continue living my life without this horrible interruption! I just don’t want it!!

Regardless, this evening  was fabulous! 👌🏽👌🏽

Thank you my family, especially to my cousin who nicknamed me ‘Ma Cherie 😍💞😘

21.12.15

‘On the wind of love’

Quiet day.

Anxiety rose it’s ugly head late at night.

Took ages to lay this bean to sleep…

😏

22.12.15

‘Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, whispering words of wisdom, let it be’

Today was a strange one.

A complete stranger called to offer the ‘bean’ support which was welcomed. On a flipnote, the ‘beanhead’ had to let it go of another for good in order to acquure peace and sanity.  There are some people in this world who lack the courage  to take on the battles they create – mess and go. This beanhead has much too much to concern herself with than to worry about people with no courage. It’s funny how you can see a person’s true colours when you need them most. Perhaps this is the time to finally say goodbye and go on to fight my own battle with the bean, with or without them.

Amen

🙏🏾

23.12.15

‘Stand’ by Donnie McLurkin

I woke up to a call to see the Endocrinologist in the morning. Mr or Ms Fear is no where to be seen. Its funny how the longer you have to process information the better the mind becomes at breaking it down and calming your fears. 👍🏽

On another note, the antics of the previous day did a whole 360 today! Trust me I left that situation in prayer! Look what occurred. 🙏🏾

The bean is on its way to be tended to at last. Thankful for this.

Ps: This episode in my life has taught me one thing of which I will carry through as a reminder for the rest of my beanhead life – you don’t always get back whatever good you do in life, its a myth! People can be selfish and self centred and only think of others when they NEED them! That’s a poor position to hold, very poor. Do better, act better, be better, life’s about everyone not just YOU or ME. Hopefully they will never come to this realisation through devastating news such as this 🙏🏾

Life is a non-rehearsed, one try lesson, PAY ATTENTION!

🙂👍🏽🎄☃🎅🏾🎁 Its nearly Christmas Eve!! 👏🏽 I love Christmas 💞

 

🎄Christmas Eve🎄

‘Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow’

Christmas Eve 2015 has arrived!

Unfortunately I had to go and see the Endocrinologist. Lovely consultant. Gearing up for tests in early January. Get this bean sorted out once and for all!

It’s Christmas Day tomorrow!!

🎄🎁☃

 

🎁Christmas Day 2015🎁

Beautiful day!

Lots of pressies, nice company and lots to eat and drink if required.

The day was very pleasant.

My balance is becoming messed up??

Tomorrow is Boxing Day 👍🏽

☃🎅🏾🎄🎁🙅🏽🎤💞👌🏽

 

🎁Boxing Day 2015🎁

Humbling day!

When you meet people who are not as fortunate as you with health matters you have to take a step back, reflect and be thankful! I pray that everyone I know and love is healed of all things which throw curve balls at our health.

My day was enriched by the force of life. It will stay with me forever.

Always be humble and grateful for life, no matter what.

🙏🏾👍🏽🙂

 

28.12.15

‘When the going gets tough, the tough gets going’

Miserable mood today masked by smiles and laughter.

Vision was weird today and physical balance unusual. No I’m not drunk! 😂

🙂

29.12.15

‘Walk on by’

Quite an emotionally draining day. For some reason I felt emotional, not tearful but I felt down. I was up and down in mood all day and hid it as best as I could. I don’t want any fuss.

Tomorrow is another day, hopefully it will bring happiness and laughter. No two days are ever the same 👍🏽 After all, it is NYE the next day!

Happy to see the end of 2015! It had been one emotionally turbulent year.

🙂 🙏🏾👍🏽🍸🍾🍾🎉🎈💝

30.12.15

‘Don’t they make your brown eyes blue’

Fatigue, fatigue, fatigue 😫😫😫

Roll on NYE for another year 👍🏽🙏🏾

31.12.15

‘Goodbye my love’

NYE! 🍾🎉🙏🏾💃🏾💞🍸

 

01.01.16

‘Shake, rattle and roll’

Welcome 2016!

Please bring positivity and everything nice.

I asked nicely! 😂

🙏🏾

02.01.16

‘Shake, rattle and roll’

Head down! Weird feeling of imbalance.

03.01.16

‘I’m all shook up’ Elvis

Head down! Imbalance continues.

04.01.16

‘Man in the mirror’

There’s nothing more horrible than a viper! Even in your times of troubles they find time to think and act to save their own skin! Sickening 👎🏽

God don’t sleep!

🙏🏾

05.01.16

‘Magic man’

Lol! You see what I said yesterday, I told you God don’t sleep!!

The next few months are going to be challenging. I’ve got my boxing gloves on, ready and waiting!

More tests on this bean starting with the hormones and then the Gold something eye test.

God is always by my side.

🙏🏾

06.01.16

‘You are always on my mind’

Sad sad times.

😏🙏🏾

07.01.16

‘Dont worry, be happy!’

If you have health and strength be thankful! Be very grateful and don’t take life for granted.

How many times did I say this or overhear it being said. Now I truly understand what it feels like.

In a good place nevertheless!

👍🏽🙂

08.01.16

‘Best of my love’

Fatigue wins!

😔

09.01.16

‘So you win again’

Fatigue fatigue fatigue!!

Hurry up and get this sorted!!

😭😔

10- 14.02.16

‘The sun has not got his hat on!

Tests and more tests, fatigue and dizziness. The imbalance has been plaguing me with this beanhead but since the hormone test has been done I’m feeling even more unbalanced. Let’s hope they get to the bottom of it when I see them next. This beanhead is really showing up its dirty colours 😂

The twat!

15-17 January 2016

‘No more drama in my life’ by Mary J Blige

What can I say, this weekend I found out that the beanhead really does need surgery. Oh well it’s been too long now and my relationship with the bean has grown tiresome, really tiresome!

On another note, this beanhead has no time or the inclination to kiss anyone’s behind! If you don’t want to be in my life, keep it moving and close the door tightly on your way out! Why is that people pick the most messed up times to start playing the arse?? Well no more, I’m done, it’s over, no more bulls, no more drama, like the bean has been told so many times- ‘do one!’ 👍🏽👏🏽👋🏾

Humans can be evil bastards! So blasted evil!

 

18th January 2016

Blame it on the boogie’

All hormones are correctly in order except Prolactin which is slightly lower but nothing to worry about. I’m very thankful for this, extremely thankful as no hormone replacement is necessary before the beanhead is operated on. 👍🏽

God is good 🙏🏾

 

19th January 2016

‘Don’t cry for me Argentina’

After visiting the GP I didn’t realise just how delicate my feelings have been. I suppose my bean was already carrying hurt from the weekend  and then along comes a complete stranger who was incredibly rude to me which resulted in me being the complete opposite to my usual character. The bean burst into tears and the tears flowed and flowed. I was alright in the end but so deflated. Was I not saying that the human race can be evil bastards? Point taken!

🙏🏾

20th January 2016

‘We’re in this love together’

Feeling like you can do positive things to help others always leaves you in a good frame of mind.

👍🏽🙏🏾

21-24 January 2016

‘Boogie oogie oogie’

All the days are merged into one. It is not a happy time for a dear family.

On a different note, did I mention that I’m fed up with humans? 😂 Maybe this beanhead belongs to the alien race after all!! We are just unpleasant son of a guns!

On another note why is it so hard for humans to demonstrate love warmth and emotion whilst we are able to? I can’t deal with the mechanical devoid of it all. It’s just not me! Going full speed ahead I cannot deal with silly jokes and not thinking beyond the physicality. Humans have thoughts and feelings that also need to be nurtured. Also why oh bloody why do I have to keep repeating myself like a parrot?!? If real interest was there would this happen? I’m just so very weiry from it all. Just fed up!

Somebody please get me a new life!

🙏🏾👍🏽🙄

20.02.16

‘Let it go’ – James Bay

Tired of the wait, scared of the wait, the day is nearly here!!!

I love this James Bay’s song, it’s so  real, so you, so me. What a track! Ironic it was playing in the place where my GP phoned me to break the news about the Bean  back in October. I didn’t know the track before this date but for some reason the next time I heard it I realised the connection. I have fallen in love with it ever since. Yes it reminds me of that day in October BUT I was very happy just before the phone call. My mood changed, the fear took over and the tears rolled and they rolled, right there in public. My mind went into a complete melt down, my feet froze and my knees went weak. I thought I was having a bad dream! Very surreal time, much has changed since then but at times, the surreal moments still have their place in my mind. I have had plenty of distraction but it still doesn’t stop thoughts creeping in. I must appear to be very rude at times! Sometimes I can actually feel my thoughts drifting into ‘nowhere’ when someone is speaking to me!! It’s not deliberate I promise!

Well,I have ignored the nonsense in my life and got on with important matters. I don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with nonsense.

Come on James, sing to me!! Oh I love this track so much!!! ‘Come on let it go, why dont’t  you be you and I’ll be me’. Next week is the day the Bean and the Cyst and I will part company. I want it all to be out and over. Give me my life back now, it’s time. I made the Bucket List to plan for the next 50 years, hell I got work to do! 2017 is nearly upon me to start the Nappy Cake business, complete my degree and graduate and celebrate 50 years on this earth in style. If I had low key plans before, they gotta change! I’m really gonna celebrate!!! 🙂 The Bean, the Cyst, you have both been lodging in my head unknown for too long, behaving like bullies lol. Out! Time to gooooooo! I have faith in the MDT and faith in the big man upstairs that all will be just fine.

So come on Bean,’Why don’t you be you and I’ll be me, and I’ll be me’…

😉

20.02.16

‘Memories’

This morning I woke up with that awful feeling again. I’ve not experienced it since November/December. I thought it had gone for good.

Not to worry my faith is stronger than I think. All will be well and the anxiety will take a hike once I get started on my things to do today!

🙏🏾👍🏽

21.02.16

‘Tie a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree’.

One word today!

Diarrhoea!

This damn thing has plagued me for months now, sometimes once or twice a week. On and off, whenever! Two weeks ago I had a vicious abdominal pain that packed the Beanhead off to AnE!! The ironic thing is that for the majority of the time it occurs very late at night- close to bedtime or, it wakes me out of my sleep! 😬 I don’t know if it’s connected to the Bean but it needs to stop!  Sample tests done- nothing- blood tests done- nothing. Bean, I may as well lay the blame at your sorry faced door! 😂😂😂

Tomorrow is the day before the ‘day’. Get it all out!!! Pretty please! 👍🏽

I’m in good hands 👌🏽

🙂🙏🏾

22.02.16

‘Let it go’ James Bay

Can’t you just tell it’s my favourite song?!? 👍🏽😂

In the next 8 hours or so Bean & Cyst will be evicted from the Big Brother house!!!

Yaaaaaaaaaay 👍🏽👌🏽🙏🏾👏🏽

27.03.16

‘Shutup!’ By Stormzy! 😂👍🏽

The bean was 95% evicted from the Big Brother House!! 🙏🏾👏🏽💪🏽💃🏾🏋🏽🎉

I have soooo much to share but not right now as Im physically exhausted every day. Not all day but this exhaustion  never fails to drain my body of every last ounce of energy. I knew it could happen but I had no real concept of exactly how much it would affect me. Coupled with a low red blood cell count plus being sickle cell trait doesn’t help. However, I am thankful for the surgeons, the nurses, GPs, doctors, clerical teams – family and some good & loyal friends for supporting me, for being there. It was a lonely road, very frightening at times but I kept a positive outlook and put a smile on my face and put my best foot forward. When the tumour was initially diagnosed it was called a grossly enlarged ‘mass’ which consumed my Pituitary Gland, broke through the super sellar floor of the Fossa remodelling it and invaded my Sphenoid Sinus! Mo wonder I had such horrific headaches that wouldn’t respond to painkillers!  😬 At the time of this news my whole world fell apart internally, as a mass could mean anything. Following the operation to remove the tumour, my biopsy confirmed it is definitely benign! It was a Non Functioning Pituitary Adenoma measuring 4cm x 2.5cm x 2.3cm💃🏾👏🏽💪🏽😍🙏🏾 It was a big sod that had caused carnage but was stopped in it’s tracks!  I will return to my blog asap to provide more details of my day to day recovery since 23rd February 2016. It’s been and continues to be an experience.

I look forward to either getting rid of the remaining 5% or the medics will continue to monitor it closely to ensure it does not get an opportunity to regrow or change from being benign 🙏🏾.

Thank you God. 🙏🏾

07.09.16

‘Stand by me’

It’s been a loooong time! Where did my fears go? I really don’t know but  I found a whole lot of courage! So much has happened since March 2016. It would take a whole day to update on here. The bottom line is my dear lil bean, the Pituitary gland  is now experiencing Hypopituirism which is horrendous!!  I don’t have the strength to go into it but I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy if I had one. Cortisol replacement means I better pop the Hydrocortisone three times a day otherwise I won’t be here to write this blog, it’s that simple. My Growth hormone is on zero and that’s a whole different story. So it seems that my lil bean, although squashed by the tumour was functioning quite well except for the Thyroxine. Now it’s been booted out of my head it decided to wreak havoc. I hope it gets sorted out soon as headaches have returned on the side of my head. They ars more uncomfortable pains more than headaches. As for the fatigue, unspeakable cruelty- At times I can barely climb the stairs. This must come to a conclusion soon, it’s taking my everything away…

Awaiting results this month.

Feeling sad, this year has seen too much loss and now a beautiful BTB is battling her fight with a Brain tumour. She is an amazing person, so full of courage, she helped to take my fears away and give me the strength to stay positive during my recovery. Please down take her, she is one of life’s Angels. I’m so glad we came to know each other all through her article about her condition. Keep fighting hun 👍🏽👊🏽😘💞

09.09.2016

‘Free’ by Denise Williams & ‘Oh happy days!’

Today is the end of the Bean’s journey into phase 2. For you see, today I received fantastic news that all of the tumour has been removed- confirmed by MRI! Oh happy days!

With immediate effect, my posts will become singular.

Let the fight begin, round 2 against Addisons! 👊🏽

 

 

 

 

 

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