‘Mary Mary quite contrary how is your anniversary?’

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Lol! I told you I was contrary!! My mum and lil sis are always laughing at this trait! πŸ˜±πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚Oh speaking of lil sis she told me off for not sharing details of where I would be staying for a short break!! πŸ˜‚ When I sent her the info what was that feisty brutes reply? ‘That’s better!’ LOL!!! I tell ya that one is an ‘anomaly!’ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ oh my baby sis πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ fresh and cheeky as always!

It’s strange how you never forget the day/time/moment when your whole life changes forever-you never do. This time last year by midday I was in floods of tears that I tried to conceal from my youngest child all the way in Essex in the middle of him securing his first car. You see the stuffing was knocked right out of me, right there in the middle of the car showroom by midday when my GP called me. Right there in that moment I felt as Β if I was in the ‘Twilight Zone’ with a bright spotlight shining down on me. Β My knees became jelly and my feet felt like they were being pulled down by Β quicksand. As James Bay’s beautiful track ‘Let it Go’ oozed from the car showroom music speakers, as my world unfolded – I cried silently on the phone with my GP asking me what felt like lots of ‘too late’ questions. ‘How has your vision been, do you bump into things, do you have headaches’- all of the same flipping symptoms I’ve been reporting, back and forth to the doctor surgery for over 8 years with them sending me away with ‘there-there fix it sweets!’ With the phone pinned to my ear I turned slowly to look at my child who was so excited about their new car, so so excited just like me moments before. It had brought back so many happy memories of my dad and beloved uncle accompanying me to buy my first car that we named ‘Betsy’ in 1989 in London. The bloody car that never started when you washed her lol πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I remember being so excited, my dad was sooo excited that my uncle had to keep him in check- as usual!! Lol oh those two were like Bim and bloody Bam! God I miss my uncle so so much πŸ˜”πŸ˜”πŸ™πŸΎAs my own experience flashed through my mind the reality of hearing the words ‘we found a mass inside your head on the CT scan’ and it wasn’t the clumpy grey matter they call my brain! At that time, that moment my world changed forever. You see I’d been through several changes in my life, some good, mostly good but some I would define as being rough. I refuse to call them bad. I was used to change and quite adaptable but this felt different. The journey I was about to embark on was not a path that was in anyway familar. I thought I knew what fear was until I met ‘Mr of Mrs Fear aka the Bitch-Bastard.’ I was about to find out what a battle with fear was really all about. Every day I had highs and lows, every day I never knew if I would wake up with the dreaded fear in my stomach. It was and still can be an incredibly lonely and scary journey but you learn to cope. Somehow you dig down deep and you cope- you have to, you have no other option – cope or be destroyed and I knew crumbling was NOT going to be an option. It feels like yesterday that my whole world changed, like yesterday…

Today, 8 months Post Op, I am still walking the path of the unknown. Every test, every medical visit attaches a heightened level of anxiety that is hard to shake off but I pray to guide me through. I also found a strange attachment to ‘Birds of a Feather’ and a continuing love for the James Bay track. It is weird how the the mind works.

I won’t say anymore right now but I think I’ll nickname myself ‘Teflon Mary!’

Today is no different from this time last year, believe me it isn’t but I’ve found a coping mechanism in writing this blog of which I decided to share with a select group of people about a month ago. Β At first I had one devoted reader – my cousin 😍 The one whom I mentioned at the beginning of my blog and Β I so aptly nicknamed myself ‘Beanhead Cousin’ for all those years ago, how ironic. Day after day, week after week, month after month she diligently read my blog, never questioning, never probing- I must thank her publicly on here for being my number one fan, I love you cuz, thank you for your unwavering support, it means a lot to me. πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ™πŸΎ

As I lay in this bed my mind is wandering, my stomach rolls with an underlying fear but this time ‘Teflon Mary’ knows how to kick the crap out of ‘Mr or Mrs Fear aka the Bitch-Bastard, this time she is like Arnie ‘I’ll beeeeee bacccccckkkkkkkk πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Peace πŸ™πŸΎ

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Secret Lovers’ Luther Vandross

 

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At the moment I feel like I’m in a secret ‘love affair’ with my health. You don’t feel to share openly and if you do, you must choose wisely!

I haven’t left WordPress, I may just be quiet on here for a while.

Then again, I may not! Lol That’s how I am – spontaneous πŸ˜‚

 

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‘Tell me’ by Groove Theory

imageYes, I have woken up with Mr or Mrs Fear aka the bitch-bastard rolling around my stomach as tomorrow’s appointment draws near.

I have done really well so far not to become anxious but just as you feel like you’re winning, fear creeps in! Damn it this is draining.

Anyway today, I won’t let you win! I can’t afford to have you lurking in my mind ruining my day!

πŸ™‚πŸ‘πŸ½

 

‘Power of love’

I had such a lovely time this weekend there was no time to fear the week ahead. There is nothing nicer than the power of love & family aka weddings πŸ˜πŸŽ©πŸ’πŸ’ž

Whatever will be, will be Mr or Mrs Fear aka bitch bastard who is upsetting my Β balance this morning.

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‘Signed, sealed, delivered’

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It’s funny how you embrace strength and courage when you least expect to! A great saying that follows this through, ‘Who God bless, no man curse!’

Fear is a destructive emotion, it entangles you to the point of destruction.

You see lately, I have not given fear any space in my thoughts. I refuse to let it or anyone railroad me into endorsing ‘fear!’ You keep it! πŸ˜‚

On a positive note, Christmas is commmmmminnnnng!! πŸŽ„πŸ‘πŸ½πŸ™πŸΎπŸ’ž