‘Sunshine’ 🌞☀️🦋

By Gabrielle

Yesterday the sun shone and was unseasonably warm once again.

The warmth made me feel happy, content. I smiled a lot as I remembered you. With the sunshine came the memories of the encouragement you continuously gave me to continue supporting other people. You often remarked that I was very good at listening to people and helping them process things. Even during this time you continued to think about others. This was your season but yet you thought about me. I marvelled at the questions you asked, deep, meaningful, things I hadn’t thought about for a while.

Yesterday as the sun shone I went for a walk, it felt good. The happier moments flooded my mind as I listened to 🎧. It was only later on in the evening that I cried. I don’t even know what triggered it but I needed to let it all out. How can someone with such a beautiful soul leave this earth? Memories of your cheekiness and quick wit help to bring recovery from these moments. Memories of us talking about the garden and planting things came with every bulb, snip and sound of the birds chirping away.

I know that whenever the sun shines and I feel the warmth against my skin, I will remember my ‘clinic dancing partner’.

I will never forget you…🦋

🦋’Forever’🦋

By Tallia Storm

Another glorious day of sunshine ☀️

As I tended to the grass my mind wandered backwards and forwards through the memory of time. I dared to wonder through the lanes of happiness, contentment and joy. My mind had no choice but to take me to this space because most of last summer brought the same. Etched in my mind were the questions, the what ifs and the debates. Last summer I set my mind free of anything that was obstructive and let my heart do the work. The most amazing moments came with responses to these changes that could be seen in me by my beloveds around me. It is truly amazing how a life experience can direct our attitude, feelings, physical existence and our health to some extent. What I didn’t realise is that whilst I was busy supporting my ‘clinic dancing partner’ I was healing from the enormity of my own Cancer. Not necessarily in a physical sense but in how I moved forward with acceptance of the disease. I started to ‘fear less’ and ‘do more’. I needed to be in this zone. I wished for my ‘clinic dancing partner’ to be in this zone.

I still miss him every single day. There’s not a moment in a day where something doesn’t remind me of his huge spirit! At the moment it is the new Ford SUV tv advert with the music and the butterflies.

My ‘clinic dancing partner’ will live on forever 🦋🦋🦋

‘Always and Forever’

By Luther Vandross

For the first time in a very very long time, I thought about my mortality.

The last time I tangoed with this fear was just after my Cancer diagnosis in July 2017. Life in the last two weeks has brought this home to me. It also reminded me of when I punched the air when told that my Cancer was stable, only to be brought back down to earth with a reminder that whilst stable is good, you still have metastatic Cancer. These moments too shall pass as I haven’t the desire to relive this nor do I feel comfortable dwelling in this space. I do not wish to dwell in this space but I accept that life experience will take you there from time to time.

Today the sun shone so brightly and was incredibly warm. I made sure that I did some gardening which is therapeutic for me whilst listening to music which I love.

So many moments reminded me of my ‘clinic dancing partner’, the budding flowers, the grass and the sun but it made me happy, it drew smiles instead of tears. I remembered the numerous conversations whilst I was in the garden last year. He would’ve loved this weather.

Today promises to be much of the same…🌞🌷🦋

‘Lifetime’

By Maxwell

The sun shines, in February, how beautiful. Can you see it?

When does the pain end? I asked myself this yesterday, how do I get through this? I am reliably informed that it will get better in time. This is the moment I had always dreaded, the moment in time when I would be without you. Friendships like this are a once in a lifetime creation, everything condensed into months. It’s hard to write this and not cry but I dry my tears and keep writing. Yes, I know what you would say about me writing nice things about you, ‘sounds like somebody I know!’ 😂 gosh you loved self praise! 😂😂😂 I usually reminded you that ‘self praise was no recommendation!’ 😂

You truly were a nice human being.

‘If only you knew’

By Patti LaBelle.

When the phone rings, I know it isn’t you. When a text or whatsapp is received, I know it isn’t you. I have changed the sound of my text messaging as it is just too painful to hear that familiar sound and to know it can never be you.

You once told me something on the phone which had me roaring with laughter, you also laughed so much because you said you knew it would make me laugh. You were so right! I’ll never forget that moment. A thousand moments went unsaid, some moments were best left silent, left where they stood. I knew and you knew, my ‘clinic dancing partner’.

There were times when we both felt pain in the liver region, at the very same time but I never said. Those moments were not about me. You would often stop to ask if I was pain-free before continuing to walk but I would always say all was well, even when it was not. I don’t know if they were ‘sympathy pains’ but they were real and unsaid.

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve heard you cry, I have wiped your tears but ‘if only you knew…’

‘Reason for a season’

Support comes in all shapes & sizes, it literally does.

Losing my ‘cancer clinic dancing partner’ has been really tough, much harder than I could ever have imagined. I miss our contact so much. Support to help me go through this stage has been phenomenal. None of it is measurable and I would not wish to do so as it is a priceless gift from those who care. Some of these moments have brought much laughter and some of it has brought tears. Nevertheless, the most important realisation is that this person came into my life for a ‘reason and a season’, it was meant to happen. Yesterday I looked at the appointment letter which was the day we met – 4th July 2018, my letter was typed 4th April 2018. It was in the grand plan for us to meet, long before we ever knew this…

‘Reason for a season’…

‘The Warrior’

My appointment on the 6th draws near and I dread the thought. How can I sit quietly in the clinic with thoughts of my ‘clinic dancing partner’ going through my mind? He wasn’t someone you could ignore, his presence was defined through his huge personable character. If you met him, you’d never forget him…

I made a slideshow with this track and sent it to him months ago. I believe in telling people how you feel about them now not after they have left this earth.

Take a listen to it on Spotify or Youtube. It’s really beautiful 💕🦋💕

The Warrior ☺️
‘I’ve been searching
For my warrior
I’ve been walking
Down the tracks of time
It’s such a struggle
To seek forgiveness
Like chains and shackles
These ghosts of mine
I’m crossing over heaven’s sea
Where my warrior is waiting for me
Crossing over heaven’s sea
Where my warrior is waiting for me
La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la
Feels like I’m dancing
With truth and wisdom
Precious rhythm, you are my guide
These days are sacred
My heart is humble
Oh warrior show me
The shining light
I’m crossing over heaven’s sea
Where my warrior is waiting for me
Crossing over heaven’s sea
Where my warrior is waiting for me
Oh, can you hear me? I can hear you
Far beyond the tracks of time
Oh, can you feel me? I can feel you
Feel the power inside my life

The Four Seasons

Yesterday but in particular last night, the side effects of Neuroendocrine Cancer treatment was heightened for the first time in a month. My body felt like the Lanreotide had just been injected but it affected me in the weirdest way. My upper arms ached and I had uncontrollable chest palpitations feeling as if I could not breathe properly. Until yesterday I had experienced the best month with exception of the dreadful fatigue which is now improving ☺️

It could be that anxiety is messing with me. I need to get out into the garden to watch nature at it’s best as we approach Spring 💕🦋🌷