❤️ 🎸I’ve been missing you 🎸❤️

Out of the blue, out of nowhere but possibly out of lockdown, grief paid me a visit.

One year on I thought things had improved, that I was managing losing you. Situations and times have moved on but not the way I feel about you my Clinic Dancing Partner. It is almost as if I am stuck in time. I think I can handle certain discussions or listen to music which reminds me of you playing your guitar but the truth is, it still hurts. I think lockdown has intensified my thoughts by 10. Everything concentrated. When one of the biggest moments in time arrives and you are not here to see and discuss it, it hurts. Don’t get me wrong, in a way I prefer that you’re not going through it as this is no way to live. Yes we have to get through it but would I personally want you to have gone through it? No. The risks would have been very high for you and social distancing would have been painful. This weekend I needed to allow myself the time to let grief play itself out- no suppression.

Second to grief came the return of Cancer fatigue and nausea. Having not experienced this for quite some time, it wasn’t exactly the highlight of my week. The fatigue is bad! On Saturday afternoon I actually went back to bed! This is not my usual way of managing fatigue but it got to that point. During lockdown I eat well and attend doorstep social distancing exercise to keep myself energised. Exercise is known to help with fatigue. I will keep going with doing some activity each day but remain sensible- if exhaustion is bad, don’t push it. I spent a few hours listening to podcasts which were phenomenal! One of them discusses living and going through Cancer and the other consists of interviews with UK professional artists. These podcasts enabled me to laugh, cry, reminisce- all in a safe place.

One of the reasons that I lay my truth here is because I feel free, safe to speak. There is nobody to change the narrative, these are my words which you can choose to read or not – there’s no need to listen. My truth will always be mine and never anyone else’s version, this is why I enjoy posting on my blog it brings emotional freedom. As I was reminded a few days ago about writing styles, when you read your work, is it really you? Does it sound like you? These are my thoughts, my emotions and my experiences so this blog is definitely me, warts and all…

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🥰 So I need to adjust my Bucket list…🌴

I have travelled to many places but I still have places of interest stuck firmly on my Bucket List which I created 8th May 2014. With the current pandemic it doesn’t look as if we will be able to travel freely around the world any time soon. So what is my plan of action?

Feeling pretty optimistic, I feel able to move forward despite the negativity which looms all around us. The main positive for me is that where there is life there is hope 🥰 I love being in water and have not been able to go swimming for months! It has gotten to the stage where I watch every programme going which covers travel, moving abroad – absolutely anything where I can set my eyes upon water! I would love to have my own personal area of water outdoors but it is so cold at the moment. Plunge pool, a hot tub, a basin of water to paddle my feet- anything to quench this desire to be in relaxing water. When I visualise the gym pools standing still at the moment by heart sinks. The jacuzzi bubbles are no more, empty of the life and laughter of customers nattering away. Some may feel this experience is a luxury but for me it was a place to relax, empty my mind and reappear feeling invigorated to move mountains! I used to literally bounce out of the gym feeling as if anything was possible so where do I go now? I am one of the shielded so I cannot go outside for exercise like most, I am not allowed to visit parks and all gyms are closed. I have taken to doorstep exercise practicing safe social distancing but I need water therapy.

Any ideas? 😂 Yes, I have a garden. 🌊🌴🌞🏊‍♀️🏝

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❤️ So Amazing ❤️

By Luther Vandross

‘I got, got to tell you how you thrill me
I’m happy as I can be
You have come and it has changed my whole world
Bye bye sadness, hello mellow
What a wonderful day

It’s so amazing to be loved
I’d follow you to the moon in the sky above, above’

I just heard this beautiful track in Ricky Gervais’s ‘After Life 2’. I have always loved Luther and this track. Tonight it reminded me of you.

I miss you 😔

‘Rhododendron Hybrid’ – your plant ❤️

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