Out of the blue, out of nowhere but possibly out of lockdown, grief paid me a visit.
One year on I thought things had improved, that I was managing losing you. Situations and times have moved on but not the way I feel about you my Clinic Dancing Partner. It is almost as if I am stuck in time. I think I can handle certain discussions or listen to music which reminds me of you playing your guitar but the truth is, it still hurts. I think lockdown has intensified my thoughts by 10. Everything concentrated. When one of the biggest moments in time arrives and you are not here to see and discuss it, it hurts. Don’t get me wrong, in a way I prefer that you’re not going through it as this is no way to live. Yes we have to get through it but would I personally want you to have gone through it? No. The risks would have been very high for you and social distancing would have been painful. This weekend I needed to allow myself the time to let grief play itself out- no suppression.
Second to grief came the return of Cancer fatigue and nausea. Having not experienced this for quite some time, it wasn’t exactly the highlight of my week. The fatigue is bad! On Saturday afternoon I actually went back to bed! This is not my usual way of managing fatigue but it got to that point. During lockdown I eat well and attend doorstep social distancing exercise to keep myself energised. Exercise is known to help with fatigue. I will keep going with doing some activity each day but remain sensible- if exhaustion is bad, don’t push it. I spent a few hours listening to podcasts which were phenomenal! One of them discusses living and going through Cancer and the other consists of interviews with UK professional artists. These podcasts enabled me to laugh, cry, reminisce- all in a safe place.
One of the reasons that I lay my truth here is because I feel free, safe to speak. There is nobody to change the narrative, these are my words which you can choose to read or not – there’s no need to listen. My truth will always be mine and never anyone else’s version, this is why I enjoy posting on my blog it brings emotional freedom. As I was reminded a few days ago about writing styles, when you read your work, is it really you? Does it sound like you? These are my thoughts, my emotions and my experiences so this blog is definitely me, warts and all…
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