‘Tears on my pillow’

Tonight after catching up with a beautiful friend I realised that I have not really expressed how painful my journey with cancer has been.

As I tried my best to comfort them over the last few days without being overbearing, I felt every ounce of pain they felt. They have the same cancer as I do. Pre diagnosis and pre surgery that pain was almost indescribable!!! I recall collapsing to the floor at home one Saturday evening and begging my adult children for help. They tried to help me but I could not stand up. I refused an ambulance so we traveled by car. This cycle repeated on so many occasions with multiple trips to A&E with no diagnosis. On one occasion I remember sitting on the dirty floor crying and saying I was going to die. I actually felt like my time was up. On another occasion I literally tried to climb the hospital wall – I was in excruciating pain. I saw the look on the doctors face when he pulled the curtain and saw the look on my face.

The sad part is that I didn’t feel believed because they had given me the maximum IV dose of Morphine. They didn’t know it was Neuroendocrine Cancer at this stage, the diagnosis came nearly a year later. Pain-settle-repeat, so the story recycled…

Tonight as my friend is in pain I feel so bad for them as I know how intense that pain can be. I know that I didn’t want to speak to anyone when the pain hit, everyone was my ‘enemy’. I used to will everyone to stop talking as I felt their voice reverberate through the pain.

Thank goodness for the NHS, thank goodness for the surgeons and the nurses.

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

My own photo March 2021

❤️🦋Today is your birthday and so much more…🦋❤️

‘Landslide’ by Robyn Sherwell

‘Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?’

1st March 2019 you were laid to rest, the same day you entered this world on St David’s day.

The beauty of Daffodils reminds me of your special day as they appear naturally in this season. I cannot forget you, I don’t want to forget you. Spring reminds me of you. My favourite season.

Forever missed, forever loved. 💕

Beautiful Daffodils gifted by a lovely friend 🥰

🦋 Yesterday I missed you 🦋

Two years since you have been gone. I look at your photo every day. My screensaver is my constant.

I often wonder where you are, what you can see, what you feel, what you think. Sometimes I get upset with you for dying. I know this is unfair but I have no other way to process it. Sometimes I laugh with you as I flick through the memories in videos and photos but then I want more. The cruelty of a full stop on 12th February 2019 makes this a reality. New videos can never be created, new photos can never be taken and you will never be able to be with me again, not in the physical sense. When I see the Amazon Prime advert with the track ‘How long has this been going on?’ by Players it reminds me of you – I cry. The guitar strumming forces me to look at your photo in the room and I can visualise you playing your guitar to this track. You were an excellent guitarist, so incredibly talented. I love the song which brings me some comfort but sadness.

I know you would have so much to be proud of, for this I can smile.

I will always miss you every day, tomorrow and forever…🥰🦋💕

Free Library 2021

🦋🦋 Are you near me?🦋🦋

I need to ask, are you close by my ‘Clinic Dancing Partner?’🦋❤️

My energy this morning is unreal! I don’t know if it is due to the Mindfulness session I attended yesterday or you or both!

Whatever, whoever, however this ‘zing’ of energy can be attributed I am eternally grateful. I accept it with real gratitude. My mind seems clear, refreshed and ready to go!

Where’s my passport? Let’s go!😂🥰✨🦋❤️🎒🧳👜👠👒🌴🌞🍸🍱💻

River Danube in Hungary -My own photo