‘Tears on my pillow’

Tonight after catching up with a beautiful friend I realised that I have not really expressed how painful my journey with cancer has been.

As I tried my best to comfort them over the last few days without being overbearing, I felt every ounce of pain they felt. They have the same cancer as I do. Pre diagnosis and pre surgery that pain was almost indescribable!!! I recall collapsing to the floor at home one Saturday evening and begging my adult children for help. They tried to help me but I could not stand up. I refused an ambulance so we traveled by car. This cycle repeated on so many occasions with multiple trips to A&E with no diagnosis. On one occasion I remember sitting on the dirty floor crying and saying I was going to die. I actually felt like my time was up. On another occasion I literally tried to climb the hospital wall – I was in excruciating pain. I saw the look on the doctors face when he pulled the curtain and saw the look on my face.

The sad part is that I didn’t feel believed because they had given me the maximum IV dose of Morphine. They didn’t know it was Neuroendocrine Cancer at this stage, the diagnosis came nearly a year later. Pain-settle-repeat, so the story recycled…

Tonight as my friend is in pain I feel so bad for them as I know how intense that pain can be. I know that I didn’t want to speak to anyone when the pain hit, everyone was my ‘enemy’. I used to will everyone to stop talking as I felt their voice reverberate through the pain.

Thank goodness for the NHS, thank goodness for the surgeons and the nurses.

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

My own photo March 2021

❤️🦋Today is your birthday and so much more…🦋❤️

‘Landslide’ by Robyn Sherwell

‘Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?’

1st March 2019 you were laid to rest, the same day you entered this world on St David’s day.

The beauty of Daffodils reminds me of your special day as they appear naturally in this season. I cannot forget you, I don’t want to forget you. Spring reminds me of you. My favourite season.

Forever missed, forever loved. 💕

Beautiful Daffodils gifted by a lovely friend 🥰

🦋 Yesterday I missed you 🦋

Two years since you have been gone. I look at your photo every day. My screensaver is my constant.

I often wonder where you are, what you can see, what you feel, what you think. Sometimes I get upset with you for dying. I know this is unfair but I have no other way to process it. Sometimes I laugh with you as I flick through the memories in videos and photos but then I want more. The cruelty of a full stop on 12th February 2019 makes this a reality. New videos can never be created, new photos can never be taken and you will never be able to be with me again, not in the physical sense. When I see the Amazon Prime advert with the track ‘How long has this been going on?’ by Players it reminds me of you – I cry. The guitar strumming forces me to look at your photo in the room and I can visualise you playing your guitar to this track. You were an excellent guitarist, so incredibly talented. I love the song which brings me some comfort but sadness.

I know you would have so much to be proud of, for this I can smile.

I will always miss you every day, tomorrow and forever…🥰🦋💕

Free Library 2021

❤️🌈💕 To my beautiful friend rest in peace 💐

‘We wil meet again’ Dame Vera Lynne

My dear friend, you will be missed as you are laid to rest today. I have loved every moment of our friendship. You are exactly who we need to meet in life. We shared stories of our ups and downs which was a privileged position to experience. You were not just beautiful on the inside but your spirit was filled with energised kindness which was genuine. Thank you for being you.

Love always, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

❤️ 🎸I’ve been missing you 🎸❤️

Out of the blue, out of nowhere but possibly out of lockdown, grief paid me a visit.

One year on I thought things had improved, that I was managing losing you. Situations and times have moved on but not the way I feel about you my Clinic Dancing Partner. It is almost as if I am stuck in time. I think I can handle certain discussions or listen to music which reminds me of you playing your guitar but the truth is, it still hurts. I think lockdown has intensified my thoughts by 10. Everything concentrated. When one of the biggest moments in time arrives and you are not here to see and discuss it, it hurts. Don’t get me wrong, in a way I prefer that you’re not going through it as this is no way to live. Yes we have to get through it but would I personally want you to have gone through it? No. The risks would have been very high for you and social distancing would have been painful. This weekend I needed to allow myself the time to let grief play itself out- no suppression.

Second to grief came the return of Cancer fatigue and nausea. Having not experienced this for quite some time, it wasn’t exactly the highlight of my week. The fatigue is bad! On Saturday afternoon I actually went back to bed! This is not my usual way of managing fatigue but it got to that point. During lockdown I eat well and attend doorstep social distancing exercise to keep myself energised. Exercise is known to help with fatigue. I will keep going with doing some activity each day but remain sensible- if exhaustion is bad, don’t push it. I spent a few hours listening to podcasts which were phenomenal! One of them discusses living and going through Cancer and the other consists of interviews with UK professional artists. These podcasts enabled me to laugh, cry, reminisce- all in a safe place.

One of the reasons that I lay my truth here is because I feel free, safe to speak. There is nobody to change the narrative, these are my words which you can choose to read or not – there’s no need to listen. My truth will always be mine and never anyone else’s version, this is why I enjoy posting on my blog it brings emotional freedom. As I was reminded a few days ago about writing styles, when you read your work, is it really you? Does it sound like you? These are my thoughts, my emotions and my experiences so this blog is definitely me, warts and all…

‘Free photo library’ 2020

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🥰 So I need to adjust my Bucket list…🌴

I have travelled to many places but I still have places of interest stuck firmly on my Bucket List which I created 8th May 2014. With the current pandemic it doesn’t look as if we will be able to travel freely around the world any time soon. So what is my plan of action?

Feeling pretty optimistic, I feel able to move forward despite the negativity which looms all around us. The main positive for me is that where there is life there is hope 🥰 I love being in water and have not been able to go swimming for months! It has gotten to the stage where I watch every programme going which covers travel, moving abroad – absolutely anything where I can set my eyes upon water! I would love to have my own personal area of water outdoors but it is so cold at the moment. Plunge pool, a hot tub, a basin of water to paddle my feet- anything to quench this desire to be in relaxing water. When I visualise the gym pools standing still at the moment by heart sinks. The jacuzzi bubbles are no more, empty of the life and laughter of customers nattering away. Some may feel this experience is a luxury but for me it was a place to relax, empty my mind and reappear feeling invigorated to move mountains! I used to literally bounce out of the gym feeling as if anything was possible so where do I go now? I am one of the shielded so I cannot go outside for exercise like most, I am not allowed to visit parks and all gyms are closed. I have taken to doorstep exercise practicing safe social distancing but I need water therapy.

Any ideas? 😂 Yes, I have a garden. 🌊🌴🌞🏊‍♀️🏝

Free WordPress Photo Library-May 2020

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❤️ So Amazing ❤️

By Luther Vandross

‘I got, got to tell you how you thrill me
I’m happy as I can be
You have come and it has changed my whole world
Bye bye sadness, hello mellow
What a wonderful day

It’s so amazing to be loved
I’d follow you to the moon in the sky above, above’

I just heard this beautiful track in Ricky Gervais’s ‘After Life 2’. I have always loved Luther and this track. Tonight it reminded me of you.

I miss you 😔

‘Rhododendron Hybrid’ – your plant ❤️

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