‘Right there, in the middle of a conversation Wasn’t anything special you said, it was just there Right then, I didn’t have time, even to overthink it I looked at you and all of a sudden I was all in it’s like my knees are all weak and the butterflies, They were dancing, taking all of my air From that moment on it was very clear
That’s when I knew I fell in love, that’s when I knew you were the one That’s when I knew you stole my heart away from me That’s when I knew that I was sunk, that was the moment that I knew I was in love That’s when I knew, that’s when I knew…’
We met on the 4th July. I will never forget. I still miss you every day. Your kindness, laughter, fun and curiosity of life. Cancer took you away physically from this earth in 2019 but you will remain in my heart and mind forever 🦋💕
My Clinic Dancing Partner, I hope you can hear me, see me and walk with me… 🦋💕🎸
Two years since you have been gone. I look at your photo every day. My screensaver is my constant.
I often wonder where you are, what you can see, what you feel, what you think. Sometimes I get upset with you for dying. I know this is unfair but I have no other way to process it. Sometimes I laugh with you as I flick through the memories in videos and photos but then I want more. The cruelty of a full stop on 12th February 2019 makes this a reality. New videos can never be created, new photos can never be taken and you will never be able to be with me again, not in the physical sense. When I see the Amazon Prime advert with the track ‘How long has this been going on?’ by Players it reminds me of you – I cry. The guitar strumming forces me to look at your photo in the room and I can visualise you playing your guitar to this track. You were an excellent guitarist, so incredibly talented. I love the song which brings me some comfort but sadness.
I know you would have so much to be proud of, for this I can smile.
I will always miss you every day, tomorrow and forever…🥰🦋💕
‘Makes me wanna cry, oh yes it does ‘Cause I have to say goodbye
By now I should know that in time Things must change So it shouldn’t be so bad So why do I feel so sad?
How can I adjust to the way that things are going? It’s killing me slowly Oh, I just want it to be how it used to be, yeah And I wish that I could stay But in time, things must change‘
I have been so angry with you, incredibly angry. Angry that we becameaquainted and that you had to leave so soon. Just simply angry.
I don’t know if grief does this to you but I am annoyed. None of it makes sense to me. Confused. There are no regrets. I do not do ‘regrets’. Just simply anger that you died. You had to go. It cuts deeper every day. I feel my passion for the garden waning, a real effort has to be made to get me to take an interest. I am trying. I know you would tell me off for not movingforward! 😂
Why did you choose to dance with me my ‘clinic dancing partner?’ 😔😥🦋💕
I never knew that the emotional existence of the human heart was so real. It literally aches. During my adult life I have sadly lost too many people to cancer, far too many. However, it is also true that many have come through and live well for which I am truly grateful.
I always believed that grief was like a one stop shop, you lose your loved one, you grieve and then you move on. It’s not like that, the grief and moments of laughter shared is all mixed up like a confused ‘Pick n Mix’ sweet selection! It’s like pouring sweets into the bag followed by coconut shell! It really is that confusing!! Why am I laughing yet why am I crying? There is no rhyme or reason. I won’t fight it, just let it go…
I really miss my ‘cancer clinic dancing partner’, the clinic, life, will never be the same BUT I (the Dancing Queen) will always have fond memories of being asked to ‘dance’ when I next visit the hospital and of the zillions of phone calls where he would ring me to tell me what he was having or had to eat!! He so loved and appreciated good food 😂
The most wonderful man has left this earth far too soon to Liver Cancer.
If ever you needed your day to be awakened in a Cancer clinic in walks this man. I’m sitting there minding my own business and then two names are called for the usual weight:BP check before you see the consultant. Suddenly I see this man walking beside me who says ‘should we dance together down to the weighing room?’ I burst into laughter – this got my attention.
I was weighed and then he was and we sat outside the room. We started talking about cancer and then family. Family was very important to us. The passion I could hear about his children was refreshing. During our conversation something strange happened- I realised that I was laughing in a Cancer clinic for the first time in 9 months! It was 5 months post op so I certainly wasn’t ‘healed’ as they say- physically or mentally. However, this man made me really chuckle.
My name was called again and I went in to see my consultant and thought nothing more of our encounter. After the consultation I was making my way out of the clinic with my son who had gone to park the car earlier, when I saw my ‘clinic dancing partner’. I smiled at him and he stopped me, he said that everyone needed to talk about cancer a bit more, it was too hidden. He asked if I had an email address and at this point I introduced him to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his card and handed it to my son! I was standing there with my hand outreached to receive it 😂 I was intrigued as to why he did that. Later I was to find out that he did it out of respect and courtesy to my son. He didn’t want him to think that he was trying to ‘chat up’ his mum in front of him AND at a Cancer clinic 😂😂
This man was intriguing so 24 hours later I emailed him to reintroduce myself and wished him all the best for the future. Three days later he replied but not with good news about his consultation.
This was the beginning of what became the most wonderful friendship in such a short space of time. Time was precious to him, I thought I understood it then but now he has gone I finally understand just how much time meant to him. They say walk a mile in another man’s shoes, that saying is so true. We can empathise as much as we can but until it happens to us, we will never truly understand.
I’d love to chronicle the whole story but I’m not sure about that- especially now, my heart is truly broken. I never knew how painful it would be but now I know because he can never call me 3-4 times a day, email me, walk with me, laugh with me, he is no longer here😔. Death is so final but not in his world so for that I am happy. Maybe I will see him again as a beautiful butterfly 🦋 in my beloved gardens this year.