‘Tears on my pillow’

Tonight after catching up with a beautiful friend I realised that I have not really expressed how painful my journey with cancer has been.

As I tried my best to comfort them over the last few days without being overbearing, I felt every ounce of pain they felt. They have the same cancer as I do. Pre diagnosis and pre surgery that pain was almost indescribable!!! I recall collapsing to the floor at home one Saturday evening and begging my adult children for help. They tried to help me but I could not stand up. I refused an ambulance so we traveled by car. This cycle repeated on so many occasions with multiple trips to A&E with no diagnosis. On one occasion I remember sitting on the dirty floor crying and saying I was going to die. I actually felt like my time was up. On another occasion I literally tried to climb the hospital wall – I was in excruciating pain. I saw the look on the doctors face when he pulled the curtain and saw the look on my face.

The sad part is that I didn’t feel believed because they had given me the maximum IV dose of Morphine. They didn’t know it was Neuroendocrine Cancer at this stage, the diagnosis came nearly a year later. Pain-settle-repeat, so the story recycled…

Tonight as my friend is in pain I feel so bad for them as I know how intense that pain can be. I know that I didn’t want to speak to anyone when the pain hit, everyone was my ‘enemy’. I used to will everyone to stop talking as I felt their voice reverberate through the pain.

Thank goodness for the NHS, thank goodness for the surgeons and the nurses.

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

My own photo March 2021

😔 ‘Cranes in the sky’ 😔

By Solange Knowles

‘Thought a new dress would make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder
I tried to keep myself busy
I ran around in circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away, I sexed it away
I read it away
Away, away, away, away, away, away
Away, away, away, away, away
Well it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
Yeah it’s like cranes in the sky
Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds
I tried to run it away
Thought then my head be feeling clearer
I traveled 70 states
Thought moving around make me feel better
As I await the results of my latest scans for the metastatic cancer in the liver I ponder. Life, what is it REALLY all about?
Yesterday I met one of the nicest team of Radiographers (not that I’ve ever met the opposite) but this team were so nice and helpful (note to self: don’t forget to send in compliments ☺️).
Life seems to have become a cycle and recycle of medical appointments. Of course I am human-at times I get fed up of the next white envelope, the next text or phone call, I’m only human. Eternally grateful nonetheless but human. Sometimes I just want to speak out and say, ‘no more, I do not want any more scans, treatment or surveillance.’ Is this really bad? In my mind I put it to myself that it is bad as many Cancer patients would appreciate even an ounce of what I have been privileged to experience. When that contrast dye hits your body, you heave so hard wanting to be sick inside the scanner, when you have endless lines fed into your body, endless blood-seeking samples until the point where you are in endangering the last ‘good vein’, monthly injections into the high rear of the bottom with a contraption that looks and feels like Lucifer himself- at times you say, ‘enough!!’ Those unexpected, back-to-back visits (day or night) to the bathroom where you run the 100m dash in 0.2 seconds leaves you in a state of sheer exhaustion, fatigue that can totally blight your life and lingering stabbing pains in the body where cancer reminds you who is the boss! Genetic tests, profile tests, mineral tests, brain scans, whole body scans, liver scans, tests, tests, tests!!!!!! As I said, I am only human…I can be totally honest with myself on here without feeling pressured. I do not want any more medical appointments…
‘It’s like cranes in the sky…’ 😔

❤️❤️🦋 ‘Gonna love me’ 🦋❤️❤️

By Teyana Taylor

‘Sometimes I don’t think we really say enough
Why is it so hard to keep in touch
When we’re laying right next to each other, baby
We shouldn’t read into things so much
Overthinking understanding
Don’t let our feeling, change it up’

Sometimes I was guilty of closing down deep conversations, afraid to hear, guilty of running away.

There were times where you really wanted to hear my innermost thoughts but I would not let go, be free, tell all, too afraid. I know you were disappointed but my innermost vulnerability would not let me venture into the uncharted waters of knowing our time came with limitations. I just could not do it. I knew that if I began to express what I really felt it would cause you more pain, too deep, leave you with heartache. This I refused to do to you, to myself, we knew our time was fragile so why do this to each other? Selfishly I was protecting my heart, my memories of you, of the magical moments we spent together without the addition of distress. Hence, the reason why I would react quite seriously if I sensed a tinge of unjust reactions. Those reactions were not unjust, you had every right to convey how you felt, you were afraid, afraid to leave but not afraid to love. As Alpha as you were, your heart of love was evident, I sensed it with your every being. You knew how to love but I’m not sure you recognised when you were loved but you were. You were and still are loved deeply by everyone whose life you entered.

An Alpha male with a heart made with Platinum, trimmed with Gold and lined with the world’s rarest diamonds.

Overthinking, understanding, you’re gonna love me…🦋💖🦋

❤️❤️🦋 ‘Better Man’ 🦋❤️❤️

By Westlife

‘I saw an angel, but they’ve hidden their wings
I know everyone’s got that special baby
Oh I, now I only see you in my dreams’

You never got to hear their new track. The words are so beautiful, meaningful and so apt, I can imagine you singing and playing the guitar to this track.

My ‘Clinic Dancing Partner’ you were one of a kind.

I don’t think I will ever meet another like you ☺️🥰🦋