‘Tears on my pillow’

Tonight after catching up with a beautiful friend I realised that I have not really expressed how painful my journey with cancer has been.

As I tried my best to comfort them over the last few days without being overbearing, I felt every ounce of pain they felt. They have the same cancer as I do. Pre diagnosis and pre surgery that pain was almost indescribable!!! I recall collapsing to the floor at home one Saturday evening and begging my adult children for help. They tried to help me but I could not stand up. I refused an ambulance so we traveled by car. This cycle repeated on so many occasions with multiple trips to A&E with no diagnosis. On one occasion I remember sitting on the dirty floor crying and saying I was going to die. I actually felt like my time was up. On another occasion I literally tried to climb the hospital wall – I was in excruciating pain. I saw the look on the doctors face when he pulled the curtain and saw the look on my face.

The sad part is that I didn’t feel believed because they had given me the maximum IV dose of Morphine. They didn’t know it was Neuroendocrine Cancer at this stage, the diagnosis came nearly a year later. Pain-settle-repeat, so the story recycled…

Tonight as my friend is in pain I feel so bad for them as I know how intense that pain can be. I know that I didn’t want to speak to anyone when the pain hit, everyone was my ‘enemy’. I used to will everyone to stop talking as I felt their voice reverberate through the pain.

Thank goodness for the NHS, thank goodness for the surgeons and the nurses.

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

My own photo March 2021