πŸ¦‹ I miss you πŸ¦‹

I have heard that whilst grieving it gets easier, it doesn’t- you learn ways of coping with living with your loss.

You were a wise head who knew how to advise people. In my head, right now you are still there. I can hear you and at times I know when you are around. It isn’t every day and not in all instances but you make it obvious to me.

I have heard and read about a type of light which presents itself after a person dies. It is all very intriguing and new to me. I still look at your photos and watch your videos, these bring me a sense of peace where there is turbulence.

Rest well πŸ¦‹πŸ₯°

β€οΈβ€οΈπŸ¦‹ β€˜River’ πŸ¦‹β€οΈβ€οΈ

By Deborah Joy Winans

‘Been traveling these wide roads
For so long
My heart’s been far from you
Ten thousand miles gone
Oh, I wanna come near
And give you every part of me’

The truth is, I do not know what I believe anymore. People and experience have been a great cause of this confusion, this interruption to my belief system. It is sad.

As I went through the CT scanner yesterday for the very first time I thought of you my ‘clinic dancing partner’ using this very same machine. I thought of the numerous scans you had but never had it come to mind whilst I was in the CT scanner. I nearly broke, my eyes filled with tears as the bed moved towards the ring. I thought of you laying on this very same bed and I wept quietly not wanting to alarm the Radiologists. Each time I have these scans I vow that I will not have another – I dislike them, the process, the contrast dye always makes me heave quite violently. Usually I can disguise it to get through the process. I ask myself each time why I put myself through all of this? Why am I just prolonging what will happen eventually? Then when it is all over, I am once again very grateful for this second chance. Very grateful as not everyone is this fortunate at Stage 4 Cancer. These feelings of defeat last only for a moment. Maybe this is natural in the grand scheme of being human.

The truth is, I do not know a lot of things, how I will get through this summer as it approaches, how I feel about being disenchanted with my faith. There is so much to remind me of you, of your faith, of time spent making the most of your life.

I am so pleased you had a solid belief system, you treasured it and respected your faith. At the moment I need to establish if mine will ever be resurrected, especially this Good Friday.

‘Take me to the river, I wanna know’…πŸ¦‹

πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸ¦‹ β€˜Before I let go’ πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸ¦‹

By Maze, Jazz horns by Dave Koz

‘You know I thank God sun rises and shines on you
You know there’s nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ I would not do
Whoa, no
Before I let you go

Scanxiety…

Today is the triple CT scan day to review that ‘thing’ called Cancer. That ‘thing’ which causes so much hurt, pain and loss. That ‘thing’ that took my ‘clinic dancing partner’ away from his loved ones. That ‘thing’ and it is not called love!

Today I need to ‘let you go…’

Today is scary, you will not be around to discuss my fears, my hopes, my everything.

Just be with me in whatever way you can πŸ¦‹

πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ¦‹ β€˜Unconditional’ πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

By Sinead Harnett

‘When I could only see blue
You taught me to swim
And when you didn’t have to
You took me in
If we can make it, make it
Make it all possible
Then we can take it, take it
Take it and have it all
If we can make it, make it
Make it all possible
Then we can take it, take it
Take it and have it all
This is unconditional
This morning the sky is blue, clear and ready for the world.
This morning I cried, I cried for the first time in a while. On tv was the return of the Ford Escort car advert littered with beautiful blue butterflies and the serene musical background. This soundtrack and butterfly advert first appeared when you passed away in February. A very painful reminder as back then they advertised the Ford SUV. πŸ˜” There really is no justice in this world. Why did you have to go? Why was it your time to go so soon? Tomorrow I will be returning to our hospital for scans. It will be a lonely visit, a lonely outcome because I know you will not be at the end of the phone to discuss this episode. I thought I was getting stronger each day, busy organising my life. From out of the blue I am struck by grief this morning, out of the blue…
Life really is not ‘unconditional’ πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹

πŸŒžπŸ¦‹πŸ’• β€˜Here comes the sun’ πŸ’•πŸ¦‹πŸŒž

By The Beatles

‘Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right
The sun has put it’s hat on! ☺️πŸ₯°
Yesterday I saw my first butterfly πŸ¦‹ of 2019, was it you my ‘clinic dancing partner?’ This one flew solo and kept returning to the flowerbed where I sat. No matter how I tried to capture it using photography, it was always too late. 😏 It was a beautiful little thing, dancing in and out of the flowers. I could have sat and watched it all day! πŸ₯°πŸ¦‹πŸ₯° There is something wonderful about nature, the way it regenerates itself and moves on to the next season regardless. Something we as humans are programmed to do but we struggle in this area. If I could watch nature at work this season I feel that the pain of losing you will lessen or at least become more manageable. Who knows, only time will tell. I will never forget you, I just want to remember you without the pain…
‘Here comes the β˜€οΈ ‘

πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹ β€˜This woman’s work’ πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹

By Kate Bush

‘Of all the things I should’ve said
That I never said
All the things we should’ve done
Though we never did
All the things I should’ve given
But I didn’t
Oh, darling, make it go
Make it go away
Give me these moments back
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your hand
Yesterday was amazing, you would have loved and appreciated the Cancer Wellbeing event. You would have been the centre of attention β˜ΊοΈπŸ’•
I know you were there in spirit, I just wish you could have been there in the physical. It was not to be and I felt that you knew you would not see this day. There are times when I wish we could replay our time spent together.

This was from ‘me to you’ yesterday which was of great significance. A few Daffodils were placed amongst the yellow roses which are sadly drifting out of season πŸ’•πŸ¦‹πŸ’•

β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈπŸ¦‹ β€˜Temporary Madness’ πŸ¦‹β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ

By SLO

‘Temporary madness
Lives where the love was
And every cell that’s where you were
Still I find the traces
Of you in my heartbeat
But slowly, by some strange design

There is mercy, there is light
Silence turns to song
With the certainty of time

With or without you
The nights find the dawn
With or without you
The days carry on
With or without you

This temporary madness
Lifts like a morning
Mist revealing sky again
Salvaging the fragments
Of life as a new egg
And slowly, by a perfect design

The nights find the morning
The days are moving on

With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you

Today is the big day, the day I dreamt of creating for the love of others. The day I visualised upon returning from my Cancer retreat last year. The day where dark clouds are lifted for others, if only for a moment.

We spoke of this day, I asked you to think of naming the event. You became frustrated but now I understand why. Your thoughts were running way beyond where my imagination could ever place me, you knew you would not be here my ‘clinic dancing partner’.

Today I know you will be with us πŸ¦‹

Today I know you would have physically been present πŸ¦‹

Today I know that today must carry on ‘with or without you…’ πŸ¦‹

You would have loved the beauty in this song. You would have appreciated this day.

Rest in peace Tessa Jowell and congratulations to her beautiful daughter for creating and singing this masterpiece 😍

πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸŒΌ β€˜Lovely Day’ πŸŒΌπŸ’•πŸ¦‹

By Bill Withers (Luther Vandross version)

‘When the day that lies ahead of me
Seems impossible to face
When someone else instead of me
Always seems to know the way
Then I look at you
And the world’s alright with me
Just one look at you
And I know it’s gonna be
A lovely day
A lovely day

I chose this version as it is very upbeat and that is how I feel today! How I want to feel tomorrow ☺️

As a very special day draws closer I think of you more frequently. You would have been very supportive. I know you would be proud. Encouraging the best in others was a great strength in you. Helping others is my signature with no agenda. I just like to see people live their best lives.

Tomorrow you will be present, I just know it. Your signature Daffodils will be placed all around, a beautiful fresh reminder that Spring is the beginning of new growth. Spring is the season in which we both entered this world.

Tomorrow will be full on, but tomorrow I know it will be a ‘lovely day’ πŸ¦‹πŸ’•πŸŒΌ

πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹ β€˜By your sideβ€™πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹

By Sade

‘And if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
And in no time, you’ll be fine
You think I’d leave your side, baby
You know me better than that
Think I’d leave you down when you’re down on your knees
I wouldn’t do that
I’ll tell you you’re right when you’re wrong
And if only you could see into me’

Last night into the early hours of this morning all I could visualise was the day you were laid to rest πŸ˜” I don’t know why. Sleeping was not an option. It was almost as if you thought I had forgotten about you. That I needed reminding of your once existence.

Today is my πŸŽ‚ I am so sad that you are not here to celebrate it with me.

If you think you are just a memory amongst memories, nothing could be further from the truth. I will never forget you.

‘You know me better than that…’ πŸ¦‹β€οΈπŸ¦‹